Iowa rules

Lee Rood:

Somebody somewhere told Rudy Giuliani he could take a detour around Iowa to the White House.

Had America's Mayor asked directions months ago, folks here would have told him to stick to the main highway. By now, many believe, Rudy is lost.

What Team Rudy missed is that there are age-old rules to winning these caucuses that every Iowan knows - rules that the people of my home state tend to take pretty seriously.

Sure, this ritual that makes your necks crane our way every four years is flawed, even Byzantine. And Iowans know that in just over a week they'll be kicked to the curb quicker than you can say Joe Torre.

But for a few months in an election year, these rules pretty much dictate who they will prop up, knock down or eliminate. In one day - Jan. 3 - a Midwestern state of 2.9 million is the most important place in the nation. If you want to rule it, follow the rules:

Rule No. 1: Snub 'em, you lose.

Since 1976, the people of Iowa have successfully tapped six of the eight candidates in both parties who eventually received their party's nomination.

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Rule No. 2: You gotta get your boots dirty.

As Iowa Republican Party Co-Chairman Leon Mosley, says: “You can't just fly over and get blessed."

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Rule No. 3: Plow common ground.

Truly, this is a more raucous caucus than the one John Kerry jumped to victory in 2004. Back then, we still joked that candidates were the only celebrities we ever got to meet.

This year, you can't go get a cup of coffee without a shakedown from Oprah, Chelsea, Bill, Kevin Bacon, Jackson Browne, Bonnie Raitt, James Taylor, Magic Johnson, Tim Robbins, Bob Vila or even Gayle (Oprah's best friend) King.

More than any previous caucus season, Iowans are being bombarded with Web testimonials, robo-calls, e-pleas to buddy up on caucus night and pitches from everyone from Chuck Norris to Wesley Clark.

But believe it or not, the vast majority of Iowans just want to connect. Most are older, informed, civic-minded and are willing to sip pots of bad coffee just to compare notes between Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney and Tom Tancredo on immigration.

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Rule No. 4: Pander. But don't pucker.

There's a fine line between courting and stalking, and maybe in the past we weren't sure where it was.

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There is more.

As an outsider, the rules look somewhat arrogant. Who chose Iowa citizens to "connect" with the candidates? Why do they get to make choices that the rest of us have to live with? His rules make it sound like the democratic process is very skewed. The rules may be what is needed to win in Iowa, but one state should not be writing the rules that the rest of us have to live with. I think this is a bipartisan complaint about the "Iowa rules." It is why so many other states are racing to be among the first to vote.

On the other hand, it is what it is and we have to live with it at least for one more election. The candidates have to go "connect" with people who represent Iowa instead of California or New York. Now that is not all bad. With the field still undecided, and no one getting a majority of the votes, it could be that we Texans may get to make the final choice this year when we vote in March. If so, I will offer some Texas rules at that time. Anyone who thinks he can drink enough coffee to "connect" with Texas voters will be floating in the stuff, though.