The joke that is on its way to being law

Mark Steyn:

I forget where I was when I first heard the phrase ''undocumented worker.'' Possibly it was after swimming the Rio Grande and emerging dripping on the northern shore to be handed a fake Social Security number and a driver's license. But I assumed, reasonably enough, that this linguistic sleight of hand was simply too ridiculous to fly even with the American media. I underestimated my colleagues, alas.

The ''undocumented'' are, as it happens, brimming with sufficient documents to open bank accounts or, on the other hand, rent a Ryder truck, as Mohammad Salameh did in 1993 when he and his pals bombed the World Trade Center first time round. Being ''undocumented'' means being documented up to the hilt as far as everyone else is concerned but ''undocumented'' only to the U.S. government. Which, when you think about it, is a very advantageous status to have.

Anyway, about five years or so back, I started making references in columns to ''fine upstanding members of the Undocumented-American community.'' But from the lame Steyn joke of yesteryear to the reality of tomorrow is a mere hop and a skip. A few days ago, Harry Reid, the Senate majority leader, declared: ''This week we will vote on cloture and final passage of a comprehensive bill that will strengthen border security, bring the 12 million undocumented Americans out of the shadows, and keep our economy strong.''

Talk about ''a fast track to citizenship''! Never mind probationary visas, Z-visas and green cards, in the eyes of the Democrat steering ''comprehensive immigration reform'' through Congress, these guys are already ''undocumented Americans.'' Was it simply a slip of the tongue? (Speaking of which, I thought thanks to George W. Bush we had ''the worst economy since Herbert Hoover.'' When did it get ''strong''?) Or did Sen. Reid mean it?

If he did, the very concept of citizenship is dead, and the Senate might as well opt for ''really comprehensive immigration reform'' and declare everyone on the planet a U.S. citizen with backdated Social Security entitlements. As Le Monde's famous headline of Sept. 12, 2001, put it, ''Nous sommes tous Americains.'' Literally.

I don't know whether this sham of a bill is dead or just resting ''in the shadows'' like a fine upstanding member of the Vampiric-American community. But, if it rises on the third night to stalk the land once more, I would advise its supporters to go about their work more honestly. First of all, the only guys ''living in the shadows'' are the aides of American senators beavering away out of the public eye to cook up this legislation and then present it as a fait accomplis to the citizenry (if you'll forgive the expression). That is an affront to small-r republican government, and, if intemperate hectoring mediocrities like Trent Lott and Lindsay Graham don't understand that, then their electors should give them a well-deserved lesson.

Second, the bill's supporters should stop assuming the bad faith of their opponents. On Fox News the other night, I was told by NPR's Juan Williams, ''You're anti-immigrant!'' Er, actually, I am an immigrant -- one of the members of the very very teensy-weensy barely statistically detectable category of ''legal immigrant.'' But perhaps that doesn't count anymore. Perhaps, like Colin Powell's blackness, it's insufficiently ''authentic.'' By filing the relevant paperwork with the United States government, I'm not ''keepin' it real.''

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You can usually tell the weakness of an argument by the number of insults that are used to support it. It is the legal immigrants who have a point. When Arnold Schwarzenegger said Hispanics should turn off Spanish TV so they can learn English he was accused of not understanding the immigrant experience. Perhaps that is because he did not have German television to fall back on after immigrating from Austria.

It would be nice if the Senator-Americans got in touch with those who think they are making a huge mistake some of whom are legal immigrants.