Durbin does 24

John Kass:

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If the "24" producers really want some fine, quirky casting, they should hire U.S. Sen. Dick Durbin, the Illinois Democrat, to play the guy in charge of squeezing information out of terrorists in less than 24 hours before they blow up Washington and kill everybody.

Here's a fragment from a script I'm writing:

President Sarandon, on a cool plasma-screen monitor, hands on her hips, sporting a Hillary Washington bob: "Dick, can't you get those terrorists to talk? We don't have much time!"

Durbin, in a bunker: "We can't rush things, Madame President!"

President Sarandon: "Not rush things? Are you insane? Rush things! Rush things! Please! What's your plan for getting them to talk?"

Durbin: "Well, we're feeding them Froot Loops for breakfast and we've got some nice chicken salad sandwiches with light mayo for lunch, with chai tea, and then we'll wait for them to decide if they're going to tell us what we need to know."

President Sarandon: "But we don't have a few months! We have less than 24 hours, not including commercials!"

Durbin: "You might not have time, but I sure do. Thanks for your concern." President Sarandon: "In the name of all that's holy, I order you to let Jack Bauer out of his cage and get that information!"

Durbin: "Well, write out the order and have Bill Daley sign it and you'll be reading it in The New York Times before you can say 'Sicko.' Bye."

An episode like that, with all the thorny constitutional issues, would guarantee high ratings.

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Who cares if the wretched puke has information on terrorist about to blow up Los Angeles? Their all good liberals out there and their relatives will understand that we do not want to put too much stress on those responsible for mass murder on a grand scale. I think the 24 guys need to work with this concept some more.