Biden to help Obama through Armageddon

Iowahawk:

Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden promised a group of supporters Sunday that running mate Barack Obama "will absolutely 100% trigger a nuclear Armageddon kinda thing" within the first 20 minutes of his presidency, but added that "Barack Obama is looking forward to this apocalyptic opportunity to test his mettle, because he totally aced his LSATs."

"Mark my words," Biden promised at the Seattle fundraiser Sunday. "There will be an international crisis. The world will be looking. They'll say, hey, here is this handsome, clean, ar-ti-cu-late young president, not unlike a very, very tanned John Fitzgerald Kennedy, dancing at his inaugural ball with his beautiful wife who is not unlike a very very very extremely tanned Jackie. And our enemies will think, 'ba ha ha, look at how thees seely new Amerikanski preseedent dances so! Such skeels can only be from many years in zee dancing school, where theys do not teaching the toughness! Launch zee meesiles!' But these enemies are in for a big surprise. America's foes must never confuse Barack Obama's terrific dance floor moves with weakness -- because as an Afro-American African, Barack is a natural dancer."

"Listen, I can sit here all day and give you at least sixty or seventy scenarios from where it might originate," Biden said. "Iran, Russia, definitely France. India is a possibility because they have sleeper cells in all the 7-11s, and the Koreans with all their toxic dry cleaning chemicals. I wouldn't be surprised if Spain or Portugal started thinking, hey, ese, let's do a driveby and recolonize the New World."

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"Now, that said, I want to easy your mind further," said the Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chaiman. "Right there along side Barack Obama, holding his hand through all these crises, will be me. Just like Bruce Lee, as Kato, faithfully serving the mysterious Black Hornet. Except for the mask and Chinese part. Ah so! No tickee, no shirtee! Obviously I've forgotten more about foreign policy than most of my colleagues know, especially Barack Obama, so I'm not being falsely humble with you. No brag, just fact. I've been there. I've created and resolved more international incidents than the rest of the Senate combined, so you can be assured that when America's enemies attack, I will bring my experience and 10th degree black belt in diplomatic chopsocky."

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"Let me be blunt: if you think we will sit idly by while you land your mighty galleons at Boca Raton, and unleash your gleaming-helmeted conqustadores to enslave and convert our whiny retired Jewish-Florida-Americans - well, think again, Cortes. Hey mang, say helloo to my leetle fren'!" said Biden, spraying the room with pantomime machine gun fire.

Biden also warned the audience that the first days of the Obama administration would bring some inevitable disappointments.

"I'm not going to lie to you - it doesn't take a weatherman to know that hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, a hard rain is gonna fall, all along the watchtower," said the Delaware Senator, strumming on a pantomime guitar. "There will be a point -- maybe one week, maybe two weeks after the inauguration -- when the opinion polls will look bad. Really horribly bad. Despite our best efforts, a couple of mid-size cities will inevitably be vaporized. People will be complaining. 'Why are you nationalizing the Safeway?' 'When is Omaha going to stop glowing?' 'Why do the Chinese soldiers keep asking for my papers?' When this happens, we will need you to keep supporting us because, trust me, you really won't want to be observed not supporting us."

"But I promise you, if one of these inevitable nuclear attacks is, God forbid, successful, Barack Obama and I will conduct tough and open negotiations with our new overlords," said Biden. "Ol' Joe Biden learned how to negotiate at his dad's used car lot in Scranton PA, and if these overlords think they can swing some sort of lowball occupation deal, I'll just tell them 'I gotta go get my manager,' and then... boo-yeah! In comes Barack Obama to upsell them undercoating and extra exercise yard privileges for you and me."

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They certainly don't call him Iowawimp. I think he has a dead bead on Biden and that is no code word for weird white guy. This kind of material makes you disappointed Biden took a day off today.